Rango – Is it just me?

I think I am the only person on the planet who didn’t like Rango.

It started out promisingly enough… it was actually delightful. In a bit of existential absurdism, Rango (as voiced by Johnny Depp – although you would have had to have horse blinders to miss it in the advertising) acts out the adventure of his rather dull interesting life to wild extremes. If it felt familiar, it’s probably because it’s very similar in tone to the beginning of Toy Story movies, but we’ll call that coincidence.

As Rango ends up in the town of Dirt, he meets a sad sack cast of characters that all seem to was together. Sure there was Beans the girl lizard who there’s never any real great romantic tension with. She is indistinguishably voiced by Isla Fisher. I can’t tell if I think it’s really good voice acting or really bad voice acting if I can’t pinpoint who the voice actor is. In her case… ? The other characters include a bunch of other turtles and reptiles that have various Western-y name with a lot of quasi famous voice actors who all use the same gruff ness.

The one super cool character was Rattlesnake Jake. He was the only character that I felt represented what a good animated movie bad guy should be. Visually evil, cunning and interesting.

I can not imagine bringing a child to this movie at all. It was relatively un funny, chock full with references to movies they’ve never seen (and maybe they shouldn’t see Chinatown for a while), and kind of plotless. There really is only one character goal for every member of the cast for the entire movie. No dynamism, no triangle, nothing. I really expected more out of John Logan’s script. And I think Gore Verbinski, in terms of binary yes-or-no, he succeeded in making a complete film, it just wasn’t exciting.

The MVP? Roger Deakins. The film looks fabulous. Every shot is a postcard. I wanted to melt into this film… or maybe that’s just because it was in the desert…

I’m using Rango to introduce a new movie ranking system I developed. I figured if I want to be an independent quirky blog, I should pick up some horrible quirks. So here’s a first one. I started with a 1-10 scale, but that was too plebeian. Then I did a 4 star scale, but it seemed to movie criticky. So now I have taken the disgusting/phenomenal frat boy area code girl rating system (google it) and created…


Each number of the 5 digit rating will have a different meaning.

The first digit is out good I expected the film to be going into it. This is a very important factor that critics don’t discuss to often. If you see a high first number, you should almost always expect lower numbers following. It will also probably give an idea of the pedigree of the film.

The second digit is how strongly I would recommend it to my plumber. Just your average working class Joe Buttcrack who doesn’t know the difference between Woody Allen and Woody Harrelson. Special note – this is not my 1 to 10 rating because I could go apeshit nuts over a Michael Haneke film but I would never recommend “The White Ribbon” to my plumber.

The third digit is how hipster the movie is. For the hipsters out there, look for a 9 here. For the post-hipster hipster, look for a 0 or a 1.

The fourth digit is how hard I cried. 0 means stoicism and no emotional connect. A 9 would signify all members of the theatre drowned a salty death.

It's too perfect. Burns Flat, OK. Population: 1,800. Claim to fame: The Clinton-Sherman Industrial Airpark and Spaceport. Would they like Rango? It probably would remind them of home.

The final digit is how many categories of Oscar I could in bizarro world see it nominated for. That doesn’t mean at the end of the year I think film X will get Y amount of nominations. It’s just my guess of how many it could be in the discussion for. Or should be.

And then I’ll see where the closest place is on a map to that zipcode and we’ll guess if the people there would have liked the movie!

So Rango is a clear 73623!


One Comment to “Rango – Is it just me?”

  1. For what it’s worth, I didn’t like it either!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: